Discouraged and Afraid

Maybe I've been too silent for too long that all of my thoughts remained unspoken and forgotten.

I'm always open for new experiences, new point of views... everything new actually. I'm open-minded. I'm open minded to the point that I always, and by always I mean ALWAYS, think that there's a reason behind what just happened. Afraid to be wrong and, maybe, there's just no one there available or willing to listen to my opinions about stuff, I kept them all inside me... Disappearing without a trace.

And now that seemed to be my downfall.

I wish to speak of something but there's nothing to say. Of course it's always a wow to be asked about my point of view in a situation. I could feel my heart melting whenever someone asks me that. It melts then it hardens. It hardens knowing that I wouldn't be able to give an answer worthy of being heard.

When did I start becoming like this?

A Question I Didn't Know the Answer

And we continued to talk about 'change'.

"Kung papipiliin ka, steady o yung unsteady?" (If you were to choose, steady or unsteady?)

"Steady kasi 'yun may chance pang rumagasa at maging unsteady yung daloy. 'Pag unsteady kasi parang wala ng pag-asa maging ok. Ikaw ba?" (Steady because there's still a chance that its flow will go unsteady. If the flow is unsteady, there's like, no chance for it to be okay again. You?)

"Hindi ko alam eh. Kasi kapag unsteady nagrereklamo ako, gusto ko maging steady. Kapag steady naman na-bo-bored ako." (I don't know. When everything's unsteady I rant then wishes for a steady flow. But when everything's steady I get bored.)

...

I ask questions I don't know the answers.

THE SHOW

"I'm just a little bit caught in the middle

Life is a maze and love is a riddle

I don't know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried

And I don't know why"

Exactly at that point of my life. 

Lost Again

So I've always been more on imagination than I've been on reality. It's who I am and even if I force myself to stop dreaming I still couldn't help myself. Reality bores me to the extent that I would rather stay in my dreamworld than exist in reality.

But with all the things that are happening to me right now, reality gains power over me.

While I still feel the dreams embrace me, while I still feel the creativity living inside me, I created this poem. It's for my friend's girl.

Left

And if time turns back

to that moment in our past,

the courage that I lack

I wish it'll appear and last

I wish to hold your hand

and will never let it go

I wish together we stand

Supporting each other so

But time doesn't even stop

so how could it turn back?

What's left ahead, downs, no ups

Our future, you and I, cracked

Now all I could do is regret

for the words I should've said

I force myself to forget

Stopped the tears I could've shed

Just so you know, I love creating poems. Not that I have the skill when it comes to it, I just love making one.

Waiting, waiting, waiting

And while I waited for the call I've been wanting to receive for days now, I waited for you to strike a convo with me.

Is it me? Or am I just imagining things. I honestly thought you're interested in me. Maybe not 'that' interested but at least you care. Or not?

Wow. You confuse me.  Or I confuse myself. 

Really, having this mind has its perks and its disadvantages. And one of the disadvantages is I suck when it comes to love.

Most of the time, I overthink. I give meaning to some of the actions that probably mean nothing at all. 

And now, here I am again. overthinking....overthinking and waiting.

Can you just save me from the agony and just give me a definite sign if you're interested in me or not? 

Just talk to me, send me a pm. 'Cause if I received the call I've been waiting first, we both lose the opportunity of being together.

Expectations never expected

So, before all of this happened, I was just this girl trying to go unnoticed.

I never wanted any attention from those who are not part of my circle. (Not, entirely zero attention 'cause it's kinda suffocating when you're in a crowded room full of people you're acquainted with and you've got no one to talk to). Small talk is very much appreciated especially when I'm alone and got no book on my hand.

But to the point of having expectations from someone so significant... unbelievable. And there's two of them.

The first one is the professor that I mentioned on my first and second entry here.

The second is my favorite professor: Sir Director (let's just call him that). Sir Director is a very inspiring professor. All he ever wanted was for his children (he calls us 'child') to grow and improve. He's always there to water us with the knowledge we need. He's very kind to top it all.

Sir Director, is a little bit cold to me lately. It's probably because I wasn't been able to attend his class last week and wasn't been able to perform my monologue, too. (He teaches us "Broad140: RTV and Film Performance".) Every student of him under that subject are required to do solo-acting, duo, or trio.

Mine, I picked duo and had ate Giecel (She's a Fil-Am and she's very good) as my partner and we performed. That was last last last week ago. After our performance, our sir director challenged us to do monologue instead of duo. He said we had the potential and it will be better if we act alone.

And then, that's when he started ignoring me. Of course, I had my faults, too. I didn't try to perform in front of him again just like I promised to. But he was expecting more from me. And that's something I don't think I can give.

Aside from him challenging me to perform alone, he's also asking me if I could perform in English. Heck, on writing I still suck, what more on speaking?

They're just expecting much from me. And I don't want to ruin their expectations but, really, they're heavy.


And dear readers, I'm sorry if there are grammatical errors here or whatever. My head is aching and the LCD is making it worse. I don't have time to edit this.

Well, I rarely edit my stuff here. So expect a lot of grammatical errors.

The Procrastinator

Last time I told you guys, my readers (if there is even one), that I'll be working on my Research Paper. Days passed and I still haven't finished it. And I'm racking my brain trying to figure out what I'm going to do with my life.

And I seriously don't know why I'm here typing right now when I only have 2 hours left before due.

Stop procrastinating!

I'll get back to work. Bye!