Lost track and back again (Now with him)

We're okay, we're friends.

We started of as classmates. I, trying hard to just have my place and is contented with that. Him, effortlessly fitted in. And I didn't care. Same goes for him, he didn't care. We didn't care about each other.

Months passed, second semester, we're still classmates but something changed. Not in my part, in his part. While I was busy improving myself he noticed me. By then, I guess he started caring. On the other hand, I still didn't care.

An event then took place. An event right after the end of the second semester. He made his move. He entertained me as we sat far from his friends, far from humans, far from this world. There started our world... at least for me. I'm pretty sure that's when I started caring. He, continued to care.

I really believed that the magic will end there, at the event, but it didn't. Summer magic took over. While everyone enjoyed the summer breeze, the beach, I enjoyed summer's magic. I never been that exhausted for a week, that exhausted but that happy. Imagine, me, the lazy one who would rather stay on bed all day than to eat a box of donuts, miraculously, felt the urge to spend time outdoors. It's probably cause I'm with them. Yes, it's definitely cause they're there waiting for me to show up and hang out with them. I never regretted one second of the time I was with them. They're my love. My ultimate summer love. And he's there by the way. I got to know him better. By better I mean how great he is. He's amazing, awesome, I honestly don't have an exact word to describe him. I must get him one. Just to be fair. Because he has one for me. It's 'astig'. So yeah, the way I talked about him, you should realize, I cared for him MORE. I wish he, too...

I wonder what will happen next. Will it continue or will it end ( just like how every summer magic ends)?

Discouraged and Afraid

Maybe I've been too silent for too long that all of my thoughts remained unspoken and forgotten.

I'm always open for new experiences, new point of views... everything new actually. I'm open-minded. I'm open minded to the point that I always, and by always I mean ALWAYS, think that there's a reason behind what just happened. Afraid to be wrong and, maybe, there's just no one there available or willing to listen to my opinions about stuff, I kept them all inside me... Disappearing without a trace.

And now that seemed to be my downfall.

I wish to speak of something but there's nothing to say. Of course it's always a wow to be asked about my point of view in a situation. I could feel my heart melting whenever someone asks me that. It melts then it hardens. It hardens knowing that I wouldn't be able to give an answer worthy of being heard.

When did I start becoming like this?

A Question I Didn't Know the Answer

And we continued to talk about 'change'.

"Kung papipiliin ka, steady o yung unsteady?" (If you were to choose, steady or unsteady?)

"Steady kasi 'yun may chance pang rumagasa at maging unsteady yung daloy. 'Pag unsteady kasi parang wala ng pag-asa maging ok. Ikaw ba?" (Steady because there's still a chance that its flow will go unsteady. If the flow is unsteady, there's like, no chance for it to be okay again. You?)

"Hindi ko alam eh. Kasi kapag unsteady nagrereklamo ako, gusto ko maging steady. Kapag steady naman na-bo-bored ako." (I don't know. When everything's unsteady I rant then wishes for a steady flow. But when everything's steady I get bored.)

...

I ask questions I don't know the answers.

THE SHOW

"I'm just a little bit caught in the middle

Life is a maze and love is a riddle

I don't know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried

And I don't know why"

Exactly at that point of my life. 

Lost Again

So I've always been more on imagination than I've been on reality. It's who I am and even if I force myself to stop dreaming I still couldn't help myself. Reality bores me to the extent that I would rather stay in my dreamworld than exist in reality.

But with all the things that are happening to me right now, reality gains power over me.

While I still feel the dreams embrace me, while I still feel the creativity living inside me, I created this poem. It's for my friend's girl.

Left

And if time turns back

to that moment in our past,

the courage that I lack

I wish it'll appear and last

I wish to hold your hand

and will never let it go

I wish together we stand

Supporting each other so

But time doesn't even stop

so how could it turn back?

What's left ahead, downs, no ups

Our future, you and I, cracked

Now all I could do is regret

for the words I should've said

I force myself to forget

Stopped the tears I could've shed

Just so you know, I love creating poems. Not that I have the skill when it comes to it, I just love making one.

Waiting, waiting, waiting

And while I waited for the call I've been wanting to receive for days now, I waited for you to strike a convo with me.

Is it me? Or am I just imagining things. I honestly thought you're interested in me. Maybe not 'that' interested but at least you care. Or not?

Wow. You confuse me.  Or I confuse myself. 

Really, having this mind has its perks and its disadvantages. And one of the disadvantages is I suck when it comes to love.

Most of the time, I overthink. I give meaning to some of the actions that probably mean nothing at all. 

And now, here I am again. overthinking....overthinking and waiting.

Can you just save me from the agony and just give me a definite sign if you're interested in me or not? 

Just talk to me, send me a pm. 'Cause if I received the call I've been waiting first, we both lose the opportunity of being together.

Expectations never expected

So, before all of this happened, I was just this girl trying to go unnoticed.

I never wanted any attention from those who are not part of my circle. (Not, entirely zero attention 'cause it's kinda suffocating when you're in a crowded room full of people you're acquainted with and you've got no one to talk to). Small talk is very much appreciated especially when I'm alone and got no book on my hand.

But to the point of having expectations from someone so significant... unbelievable. And there's two of them.

The first one is the professor that I mentioned on my first and second entry here.

The second is my favorite professor: Sir Director (let's just call him that). Sir Director is a very inspiring professor. All he ever wanted was for his children (he calls us 'child') to grow and improve. He's always there to water us with the knowledge we need. He's very kind to top it all.

Sir Director, is a little bit cold to me lately. It's probably because I wasn't been able to attend his class last week and wasn't been able to perform my monologue, too. (He teaches us "Broad140: RTV and Film Performance".) Every student of him under that subject are required to do solo-acting, duo, or trio.

Mine, I picked duo and had ate Giecel (She's a Fil-Am and she's very good) as my partner and we performed. That was last last last week ago. After our performance, our sir director challenged us to do monologue instead of duo. He said we had the potential and it will be better if we act alone.

And then, that's when he started ignoring me. Of course, I had my faults, too. I didn't try to perform in front of him again just like I promised to. But he was expecting more from me. And that's something I don't think I can give.

Aside from him challenging me to perform alone, he's also asking me if I could perform in English. Heck, on writing I still suck, what more on speaking?

They're just expecting much from me. And I don't want to ruin their expectations but, really, they're heavy.


And dear readers, I'm sorry if there are grammatical errors here or whatever. My head is aching and the LCD is making it worse. I don't have time to edit this.

Well, I rarely edit my stuff here. So expect a lot of grammatical errors.

The Procrastinator

Last time I told you guys, my readers (if there is even one), that I'll be working on my Research Paper. Days passed and I still haven't finished it. And I'm racking my brain trying to figure out what I'm going to do with my life.

And I seriously don't know why I'm here typing right now when I only have 2 hours left before due.

Stop procrastinating!

I'll get back to work. Bye!

Another Step Ahead: Resume and Stuff

As I stated here before, I was confused and unsure and confused and excited and anxious about the problem that popped up in my life: Career.

Since I used past tense, I hope that serves as a proof that I'm not that distressed anymore but I'm not perfectly okay either. All I know is that I'm stable enough to be able to pass my resume to my professor and my Internship application letter to the Publishing House that I've been wanting to have my internship at.

But guess what? They're the same. Or they could be. If my professor guarantees that I indeed will work at *insert magazine name here* then I'll be sure. That Men's Magazine is one of the magazines produced by the Publishing House I have my eye on.

"You think it's okay for you to be part of a Men's Magazine?" (really forgot the exact words but the sentence was more or less like that. And, yes, I replaced the magazine name with "Men's Magazine".

My classmates answered it for me and they said it's okay. I hope it's okay...

And click! I just sent a Internship Application to the Publishing House.

Another click! I just sent my Prof. a soft copy of my resume.


Until they ring me, I'm done with the Career stuff for now. I'll just focus on my Academics and finish my research that is due on Wednesday.

My research topic is "Effectiveness of Mass Communication as a Pre-Law Course" and yes, it's asdfggjkgfdd HARD.

My buddy: Non

Meet Non, my beloved companion, my third eye and my memory keeper.






Non is always there for me, whenever or wherever, I need company.

When I was at the lowest point of my being, Non came to my life. If it weren't for Non I wouldn't be able to survive the agony and heartaches thrown at me. We've been through a lot. We shared memories together and if it weren't for Non I wouldn't be able to capture different views of life. Though we're only together for 6 months, I'm grateful to have Non.

And, oh, my head looks so flat and squarey-circley here. Well, it's the best picture I have with Non (thanks to sir Bernard). Here, we look like a real duo. The way I held Non in my hands and how Non captured the scene shows we're the ultimate team.

...but I still suck at photography anyway. 

The First Footprint Recorded: The Turning Point

So, I have reached the point where I'm just few steps away from being an adult. It took me by surprise because it came sooner than what I have expected. Way sooner...

Just last week I could still see myself as this person who has those silly problems with her friends, family, love (just a little bit of it) and herself. Now, another was listed together with those. It's career.

Career. I never really thought I'd encounter that problem so fast. It appeared just like everything that comes in our lives, unexpected. It caught me off guard.

Of course as a junior turning senior college student I've been preparing myself for the jobs that are related to my course. But, I never thought much of it since it just felt so far ahead. Instead I just focused on what's in front of me... my internship.

I'm excited to actually be outside the school, training, and having an experience. After, three years of learning, I'll finally undergo the real deal.

But the opportunity of having a course-related job (yes, real job that'll give me money), it's not something for me to be excited about.

This Wednesday, my professor liked the paper work I submitted to him that he hated me for it. He hated me for being able to write such article. And because he hated my talent, he asked me to give him my bio data next meeting, which is on Monday. He said that he'll get me a job that will put my writing skill into use.

I got to admit that that professor of mine, although he usually gets on my nerves because he's annoying, have talent when it comes to writing. He worked as a writer for I don't know how long but I believe long enough to achieve professionalism.

Because he's in that career, and he had worked at several well-know publishing companies, I'm pretty sure that the job he offered me will be a great opportunity for me and my career.

That leaves me to why I considered 'career' as a problem. Well, this opportunity is without a doubt a great blessing. But because it came too unexpected it made me feel anxious.

I'm having an internship next semester. And in spite of the fact that I'm excited, I'm also feeling nervous because it will be my first time. I'm having doubts if I'll be capable of undergoing the training. Having the opportunity my professor gave me added a truck of nervous to the nervousness I feel. Right now, I'm panicking.

I don't want to lose the chance my professor offered me equally I don't think I'm ready to handle two responsibilities at the same time. My career is at sake.

Which is what made me have problems with 'career'. Career isn't something kids, teenagers deal with (unless they're public figure) it's something adults deal with. And now I have to... and it made me feel change.

But no matter how much I want to avoid it I know I had to decide soon.